A Four Year Adventure

A friend shared their blog with me this morning.  I remembered this blog I created years ago and decided to see when my last post was written. Four years ago!  Wow!  Four years ago I hadn't yet taken on the professional adventure that filled my heart and consumed my spirit.  I logged in today and read through my old posts.  As I sat in reflection about myself and my world since my last post, I started to type.  Here I share with you a summary of my reflection on the journey.  

 My daily prayer: "Father, go before me today.  Let me be who they need."  I prayed and prayed, and listened everyday to the song "Do Something" by Matthew West.  I grew confident that God needed me to be a vessel for a school and a community by taking on a professional adventure I felt unequipped to take.  With strength gained through faith,  I was committed to fulfill that purpose.  On the journey, I was propelled many days by 1 Corin 15:58:  "Stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord."   I saw my purpose and pushed forward, everyday, loving the people and loving the work.  There is much joy in education when your people are your purpose, and understanding that reality has always been easy for me.  Steve would ask on hard days why I did it.  I would always answer, "I love the hard work as much as the easy."  I did.  I do.  Our school family was strong through tragedy and celebration.  We battled cancer, grieved student deaths, and supported families through suicide and unexpected loss.  We grew our special education programs, and extended leadership opportunities for our students.  We worked out logistics of losing a grade level, and managing traffic.  We did amazing work.  And my heart was full of joy.  Everyday.  

During those four years, my own kids started school, changed schools, started sports, changed sport interests, learned to read, and made lifelong friends.  As a family we moved into a new house, got a new car, took trips to the beach, ventured up to DC, watched New York sparkle at Christmas, and laughed through the chaos of Disney World.  We filled our weekends with family and friends (and good food!)  Balancing it all was something Steve and I did well.  Together we were able to keep up the house, be active in our church, attend events with the kids, and relax (usually for no more than three minutes at a time).  We were organized during the week and able to enjoy life on the weekends.  

When Steve's job changed in December and his travel increased, I knew I would have to step up my game to be more organized, more prepared, and even better at balancing the logistical demands of a family and school community.  Balance.  Yes.  I could do that.  Make a list, schedule the calendar, remind family and friends when they were helping out, take pictures at the soccer field, check homework, snuggle the kids, make sure baths happened and lunches were made, ask about their day, kiss them goodnight... I had it all under control.  

It wasn't until Maggie ended up with the flu (her second round for the season) and Steve was out of town for the entire week that I felt the logistical tug of doing it all.  Both sets of our parents still work and our grandparents can't afford to be exposed to the flu.  So, I stayed home for the week.  I held Maggie on my lap next to my lap top so I could stay caught up with the happenings at work.  I called every few hours to get an update and answer questions.  I crossed the Ts and dotted the Is from my couch.  I checked her fever, gave her water, made lunch she wouldn't eat, and kept on working.  I made it through that week with home and school in tact.  Whew.  

And then in late May, Steve sat me down and told me we just couldn't do it all.  He reminded me that we both missed over half of our kids' soccer games that season.  He revealed for me how lost I had become in my purpose in leading a school, and how much he and the kids needed me to be more present - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I realized then that my kids and my family are not intended to be merely scheduled on my calendar and listed on my "To Do."  I shouldn't have to remind myself to make lunches or hug them in the morning.  Somehow I got lost in only part of my purpose and fell out of balance.  Striving to balance who everyone needed me to be was actually keeping me from being what they all needed.  Ouch.  My heart hurt with the reality and the weight of living blindly.  Hadn't I been faithful to fulfill God's purpose?  What did I miss?  Would Luke and Maggie realize I had been absent when I was right there?  Gosh, I hope not!  I spent many nights scrolling through pictures just to prove I was there.  But I know I wasn't present enough.  

I have no idea when I started to lose my balance.  But I am grateful that Steve saw for our family what I was too stubborn to see.  Stepping away from a school, a community and a job that I love with all my heart was hard, but wondering what I missed over the past few years is even harder.  Just a few weeks ago, Steve looked at me over dinner and said, "Do you realize that you braid Maggie's hair almost everyday?  You never did that before this year."  He is right.  It wasn't on the list or on my calendar, so it didn't happen.  Thankfully I am able to continue to work with students and teachers everyday without being out of balance at home.  I come, love, influence... and then I go home.  Not just logistically.  I am mentally and emotionally present for my family.  I don't check email at night, and I don't miss soccer games.  I enjoy calling out spelling words and folding laundry when it piles high.  I get excited about an extra hour with Luke when he has a doctor's appointment, and I love being able to watch without worrying about the next thing I have to do when Maggie wants me to help her do her flips in the den.  

This morning I received an early morning text that said, "God wants to bless the world through us!  Let's do it, ladies!"After trying to summarize a reflection of myself and my world over the past four years, I have new context for the verse that propelled me through hard days.  "Stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord."  1 Corin 15:58  Let nothing move you... but DO allow God to move you so you can bless others according to His purpose and for His work.