"And so I asked them, 'What if I wasn't the principal's kid...'"

Routine, Reality, Reflections... There isn't really a point to this post, just some random thoughts that escaped to the page.
I was in the middle of our goodnight routine.  Maggie knows I enjoy writing and asked me what I was going to write about next.  I jokingly said, "About how some people like you for what they think you can do for them, and others hate you based on who they think you are."  I laughed, knowing it was silly and thinking it was over her head.  She ever so naturally responded with, "That is like one day at recess when I asked someone if I could play with them, and they told me 'Yes, because you're the principal's kid.'  And so I asked them, 'What if I wasn't the principal's kid?'  They didn't respond so I went to play with someone else."  I asked her how that made her feel.  She said it was normal.  Then she changed the subject, talking about how excited she is to come home earlier in the afternoons, to spend family time instead of watching me work on the computer at night, and how she can't wait to hang out all day together this summer.
As hard as I tried to make them normal kids, free of the reality of political presence, I guess it was more a part of their lives than I dared to notice.   Unfortunately, her situation is unique to her, but not unique to childhood.  Our littles deal with others putting them in a category for acceptance every day.  The category for which they are accepted may change, but the impact of rejection rarely fades. Half of my heart hurt that she had to understand acceptance based on a status, and the other part was proud of the I-didn't-give-a-shit-about-their-comment-and-found-someone-better attitude.
As I watch my two kids sleeping tonight, I thank God for His divine plan to distance us from the politics.  He has put me in a position to be more physically, mentally, and emotionally present for my family so I can truly engage in conversations like the one we had tonight.  I am thankful that I can view their childhood challenges as opportunities to help them become resilient rather than racing to patch the holes others put in their bubble.  I am thankful for the strong relationships we have with family and close friends that ensure a safety net for their hearts that they may never understand and always underappreciated.  I am thankful for the little moments... an intense family game of Spot It, watching a game of tag end in the mud,  Luke stopping me to dance in the kitchen, Maggie grabbing my hand to help drive the 5-speed on our way to school.  These little moments are so easy to leave in the moment, but I'm sure they are what make a mean kid worth forgetting, a memory worth making, and a life worth sharing.

1 John 2:8

"...because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining..." 
1 John 2:8

I found this verse referenced in my notes from a sermon Dr. Carney preached two summers ago.  Most of my notes are taken in a journal, but this one was on the back of a bulletin stuffed between pages in Psalm.  Maybe we were late that day, or maybe Maggie was taking 'notes' in my journal.  Either way, the notes were tucked in my bible.  I reread the notes and looked up all the verses.  I realized this one verse in particular didn't match any of the sermon notes like the others.  But, the verse felt like a hug around my self-doubts as I read it over and over. 
God continued to speak to me about this specific light.  There are some days I don't check my school mailbox at all, but today it was one of my first stops.  I had two manila envelopes where I usually find emptiness.  One had a flier for a project I had to complete.  The other had a smaller blue envelope.  I opened the envelope to find a surcee and a note.  "I am thankful for you, my friend.  You matter everyday.  Even on your bad days, you manage to leave a positive impact on others.”  Can I shine for others even in my own darkness?  
A few hours later as I was completing the project, a student came in.  She comes frequently.  I had an email in my inbox that she sent five minutes prior, and she came to tell me exactly what was in the email.  Fortunately, I stopped what I was working on to look her in the eye as she was telling me what I already knew, and then ask about her weekend.  In hearing about her weekend, I recognized that she didn't need an answer to her email, she needed someone to listen.  She had a hard weekend making a very mature decision.  I told her I was proud of her and thanked her for coming by.  I returned her email: "Thank you for coming by.  Seeing you lifted my mood and made my day."  It was the truth.  Her response let me know that she needed to matter, and I provided that light. 

1 John 2:8 resurfaced in my heart. I can shine a light for others even if days feel dark.  I'm not in a super mood, but I am thankful that God revealed to me some the work He does through me.  Tomorrow’s goal—allow myself to shine even if I pass through my own darkness. 

Unmade

Some days, life is just unmade.

The clean laundry is in a basket at the end of your unmade bed, and the dishwasher is hanging open because you were going to unload it before work, but you find grounds floating in the much-needed cup of coffee.  The one that holds your last drops of creamer.  You leave the house in a hurry, the dishwasher open, the grounded coffee in the pot on the counter, the bed unmade... and the straightener that you never got to.  Oh no... Is it unplugged? Was it ever plugged in?  It has auto-off, right?  You panic your way through car line while ordering your coffee on the app, only to hit the interstate and find stand still traffic.  Redirect.  Back roads.  And then, finally, coffee in hand!  Your morning mess has you pulling into your parking spot 3 minutes late.  Not too bad for the morning you've had.  You count it as a small success and decide, "Today is going to be a great day!"

You later will realize your pants have been unzipped for the past two hours, you only put mascara on one eye, your Carmex is lost in the black hole of your purse along with your favorite pen, the thermometer you needed last week when the kids had flush cheeks and warm necks, and the mints you need to mask your coffee breath for the person coming in for the next meeting.  You are just as unmade as the bed and just as unfolded as the laundry awaiting your return home.  Sigh.  Maybe you'll have it together tomorrow.

Some days, life is just unmade.

Interestingly enough, this happens to all of us.  Working moms, house wives, single moms of four, girls hoping for an engagement, wives hoping the rumors of their husband’s affair aren’t true, ladies with a sugar daddy or a trust fund, women admired in the church, those going to baby showers even though they have been praying for six years to have a pregnancy last beyond 11 weeks and 2 days, moms who haven't figured out if they are going to pay the bill or allow Santa to come this year, fit chicks with perfect husbands and glistening Instagram accounts, those who judge you, and those who most certainly never have grounds in their coffee.

We are all unmade.

God tells us, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  2 Corinthians 12:9
Thank God for His grace and power.  Thank God for daily reminders that we need His grace and power.  We are imperfect on our best days, our worst days, and on the days we are simply unmade.

So, take a deep breath, pray, apologize for the coffee breath (and chapped lips and missed mascara and saggy zipper), take care of the house chores when you get home, and rest peacefully in the unmade, knowing that God shows and perfects His power there.

I’m grumpy.

I was grumpy today.  I woke up that way. No reason to be, I wasn't angry, it wasn't directed towards anyone or anything, and it didn't make me act in an ugly way towards others. I was just grumpy. 

7:27am

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12  This verse showed up on Time hop this morning, at the bottom of a picture of a devotion I read years ago on this date. I brushed over the review and the quick memory of where I was when I read the devotion for the first time. I remember printing it that day and hanging it on the board over my desk.  It stayed there for four years, teaching me something new about God each time I read it.  It was a great reminder for today, but didn’t help my grumpy disappear.  Too bad, I thought. God said there would be hard days and He would be with me. He must be here in the middle of my grump, probably teaching me something I need to know... 

I tried to work my way through my grumpy by listening to a chapter from my audio book on the drive to work. I was inspired.  

But I was still grumpy. 

I read three devotionals sent from another friend in the parking lot before I went inside. I was reassured that God exists with me all the time, and that He is the answer to joy and perseverance on hard days. It wasn't a hard day, though.

And I was still grumpy. 

I worked on multiple projects and felt accomplished. But—

Grump. Grump. Grump.

9:45am

“How is your Tuesday?”

“I’m grumpy today.  I don’t want to be, but I am.”

“Me too. I don’t have a good reason, I’m just grumpy.”  

This was a text exchange with my friend. Walls down, complete honesty, as always. We were both just grumpy. 

Sometimes the grump is really hard to shake, especially when I don’t know what is making me grumpy. 

1:15pm

I received an email from a student asking for help. She has lived more life in her sixteen years that I have in my thirty-five.  After responding to her and felt excited that I was living in my purpose in that moment, I returned to my to do list which held the names of several people who deserved a happy note. As I was writing one of the notes I remembered my most recent conversation with this person.  I wanted to say, “You are a beautiful person and have such a positive way with your students.  Enjoy today and all that you are to your students. You won’t get another shot at January 8, 2019.  Start a ripple of joy.  Don’t let what you aren't to keep you from all you are!  Don't waste the opportunity and potential God has for you today!”

I read the note to myself and was redirected back to Romans 12:12.  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."  Got it, God... I need to get over my grumpy so it doesn't interfere with Your work through me. 

1:25pm
I wrote another note, sent a scripture to a friend, put a smile on my face, and said a thousand prayers in a hot minute. 

4:00pm

I genuinely enjoyed my after school meeting and the rich discussion with six teachers who love kids and want to get better each day.
I sang at the top of my lungs and took deep breaths of the cool air blowing through the windows as the kids and I jammed our way to get tacos.
I felt peace and comfort at dinner with friends who are real and willing to talk about the daily tug between what shatters us and what makes us whole.
I took delight in getting jammies, folding laundry, making lunches, taking out the trash, and saying bedtime stories, songs and prayers. 

9:18pm

Romans 12:12 — “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.”  I think this verse showing up today was really serving as a way for God to tell me, “Stop. Being. Grumpy!  Be mine!”

I tried to break down the verse and read between the lines like we teach students to do.

Joyful in hope. This means I need to be actively, continuously hoping in the Lord.  Not grumpy.  I need to have hope that God knows the destination when the road ahead is clear, and when it gets curvy.  Hoping all throughout the journey, and hoping with joy. I should be joyful in that hope, because how exciting is it that God's plan is always perfect.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Patient in affliction. Well, this may be the hardest. This verse is confirming affliction. Affliction is not a comfortable place for me to be. I work hard to keep things in order so I can avoid affliction in the logistical, emotional, and social aspects of life. It is, however, inevitable. James 1:2-4 reminds me, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  Without affliction and trials, I will not be whole.  Maybe this is why I must also be joyful in hope, and faithful in prayer.  

Faithful in prayer. I know I should pray in every circumstance, and I should be praying for more people and a higher purpose than just me and my world.   Thessalonians 5:17 urges us to "pray continually."  Ephesians 6:18 tells us, "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people."

I must be faithful in prayer, while waiting patiently and hoping joyfully through affliction... 

How about that for a to do list?  

Tomorrow’s to do list is simply Romans 12:12.  “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.”

Or maybe I will use the version God shouted at me today: “Don’t be grumpy! Be mine!”

Comfortable in the unknown

Today’s morning sky was filled with sunshine. Finally!  As I drove the kids to school, I could see the effects of the sunshine on the sky, creating pink-ish, loose, fluffy clouds. Luke calls them “lava” clouds. I wanted to park and soak it in until the color in the clouds faded back to white. But I kept on driving. Windows down, heat turned up, music blaring, and sunshine painting the sky.  All of it brought a smile to my face and I took a much needed deep breath .  I came over a small hill and saw more than just the light in the sky -- I saw the source of the light.  I could barely see anything besides the blinding brightness of uninterrupted sunshine spilling through my windshield. Today's sunshine was a great reminder that God exists just like the sun shines everyday. I love when God is so bright and in my face that I can’t miss His presence. I know He is always there, whether it is bright and blinding, illuminating a beautiful sky, or masked by clouds and rain and storms. 

Lately I have been struggling to understand my everyday tasks, how they are a part of my purpose, and where my journey is taking me.  Although I truly enjoy the people in my world and life itself,  I wonder far too often if and how I matter.  Just this weekend, I wiped my counters six times as I prepared and cleaned up for Luke’s family birthday dinner. I baked a cake. I ran three loads of laundry. I read our daily devotional with the kids. I painted the spirit rock. I  made cinnamon toast. I checked temperatures and gave Advil and made ice waters. I toasted the bread for the sandwiches for lunch. I filled the gas tank and went to the grocery store and gave undivided attention over dinner.  I picked up the boys for Luke’s birthday party, helped the kids order lunch, cheered during a basketball game, helped Maggie load a new app, changed out the wreaths on the front door, cleaned the porch, rearranged a bedroom, washed the dishes, unloaded the dishwasher. Twice.  I also managed a quick workout, showered and brushed my teeth each day (You’re welcome).  I still need to vacuum... and I’ll do most of the list over and over again throughout the week.  The everyday tasks just to function can be exhausting and mundane.  Does any of it matter?

As I looked at the sunshine today, I was reminded that God uses mundane, everyday tasks to bless others and fulfill His will.  He asks that I am faithful and obedient, even the mundane, and even when I don't know why.  Questions I have had lately were answered: 
Is my impact on others for His purpose?  Usually... as long as I am patient and loving... (I'll put this on the list to pray about each morning).
Do I help execute His will through all I do? When I am intentional in prayer and practice, I am assured it is His work and His will, not mine, that are being done.  (I'll add this to the list for morning prayer as well).
Am I headed in the direction God has designed for me?  I wake up some days feeling aimless and confused.  I am not really comfortable in the unknown.  A peace surrounded me as I was unable to see the road ahead from the brightness of the sun.  Even though I have no idea where the journey is leading, I know I am on the path He has designed for me.  On this journey, I can take in the beauty that is illuminated as God's light shines on all parts of my journey, even though the light is too bright to see the final destination.  I am confident that my faith, obedience, and perseverance are being strengthened as I go. 

 Hebrews 12:2 - “Keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith...”

1 Corinthians 15:58 - “...Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord.”

Psalm 37:4

Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

As I was dropping the kids at school and heading into a 21 minute drive to work in the (never-ending) rain, I pulled up my phone to shuffle my play list. Before I could switch over from the radio, I heard a lady talking about Psalm 37:4. She challenged listeners to not just think about the promise of our desires being fulfilled, but to think about delighting in the Lord.

Take note of the first part of this verse: Delight yourself in the Lord. Delight yourself in the Lord first. I thought about this for quite a while and a heavy, yet comforting weight came over me. Am I waiting for desires that I have designed outside of God's will? Have I truly delighted myself in the Lord? Are my priorities in line with His purpose? When we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will design our desires. There is often pain in the waiting, but there is the promise and assurance that if God places the desire in our heart, He will be faithful to fulfill those desires.

As my playlist shuffled, the song "Magnify" by We are Messengers came on. A few lines stood out as I marinated on this new understanding of Psalm 37:4: 
"Open up my eyes to you."
 "Realign where my hope is set, until You're all that's left."
 "I don't need to see everything, just more of You."
 "God be greater than the worries in my life, be stronger than the weakness in my mind, be louder, let your glory come alive."

What a powerful adjustment in my prayers today.  "Father, align my desires to your will.  Give me the desires to be a vessel for Your work and Your glory."

What stays in education?

The only thing in education that doesn’t change is the promise that students will show up.  Everyday. With baggage, hope, needs, and dreams.  

Assessments change. Standards change. Demographics change. Initiatives change. Accountability measures change. Social and political impacts change. But there are always students. You can count on it. 

It is worth the pause to get to know their stories, to honor their perseverance, to value how their struggles impact their priorities, and to appreciate how their worlds shape their habits. When we see them through a lens with equal parts of expectation and empathy, it makes the work more meaningful for us as educators, and magnifies our impact on their lives. 

No matter which pendulum is swinging, you’re going to find students in the center. Let them be the most important thing you learn about each day, and the most important thing you teach in every lesson. They are the one initiative that won’t go away, and will be well worth your investment.